Juggling with Lushes LaMoan
I’m fascinated by all branches of performing arts. Stand up comedy and burlesque share a lot of the same roots in show business, both starting back in the vaudeville circuit nearly a century ago. A few years ago I did a Halloween show with my friends the Detroit Rockabilly band Graveside Manner. Also on the bill was the burlesque troupe Detroit Dizzy Dames led by the wonderful Lushes LaMoan. We became Facebook friends and I couldn’t help to notice how incredibly busy she constantly is.
For me, the hardest part about being a performer is figuring out how to juggle so many different schedules. We’re all essentially small business owners trying to sell a product, and that product is ourselves. Somehow Lushes manages to not only juggle the business of Lushes LaMoan, but is additionally teaching burlesque and serving as the Branch Director of the Detroit chapter of Dr. Sketchy which is an “anti-art school” featuring local models and burlesque performers, and she manages to juggle it all very well! She’s one of the hardest working performers in the city and has already made a name with herself with noteworthy accomplishments like being featured on the cover of the 2010 Metro Times Lust issue.
I think I may have figured out how she does it all when I had a chance to catch up with her at a recent Dr. Sketchy event at the Scarab Club downtown. She multi-tasks incredibly well! We talked while she arranged snacks for all the attendees, delegated chairs being set up for the artists, and fielded questions from a long line of people.
The first I remember meeting you was that Halloween show a few years back.
Yes. I started managing the Detroit Dizzy Dames when SPAG went on hiatus. It started with myself and a few of the girls not wanting to stop doing burlesque. We carried on what we do and did it a little differently. So we started the Detroit Dizzy Dames and that show was the Halloween Hootenanny and that was actually our very first gig.
What to do when you can’t sleep.
As some of you know, I have insomnia. It totally blows. I sleep at intervals of somewhere between 1 and 4 hours with gaping holes of late night awake time where there isn’t even anything on tv that isn’t an infomercial or 2 & 1/2 Men.
I get asked a lot, “Hey Allyson, what do you do when you can’t sleep?” and while I usually answer, “I just lay there and try to sleep,” what I really mean is, “I do a whole bunch of weird shit that I don’t want to tell you about because we don’t really know each other well enough for me to tell you about it and you not feel like you should probably leave the room whenever you see me because you’re afraid my weirdness will rub off on you.” It won’t, so pull yourself together and get ready for a strange journey into what I do when I cannot sleep in the middle of the night.
I usually try to go to sleep at a reasonable time. And by reasonable, I mean, before midnight. I watch Conan, then I try to fall asleep on my own. Sometimes this works, but usually it doesn’t. I just lie there like a slug while my cat grooms herself on my chest. It’s disgusting.
So I do a quick run through of all the things that are supposed to make normal people sleepy. Here they are in no particular order:
-Drink sleepy time tea
-Read a boring book. Like, basically anything by Dean Koontz
-Count backwards from 100
-Close my eyes and hope sleep will come all over my face.
When that shit doesn’t work, because it practically never does, I move on to the weird stuff. Get ready folks. Here, in no particular order are the weird things I do to bring sleep.
-Hard boil eggs. Seriously, when the threat of burning my house down is looming, I become exhausted waiting for these fucking eggs to finish cooking so I can lie down. There are also constantly hard boiled eggs in my house, which is only awesome around Easter.
-Facebook stalk people from high school and feel better or worse about myself depending on how much better or worse they look.
-Jog around my neighborhood and hope coyotes don’t eat me. Seriously, there are coyotes in my neighborhood and it turns out you can run pretty fast when you feel like you’re trapped in a horror movie that involves coyotes tearing you limb from limb.
-Try and sell stuff on eBay. I’m broke as shit, so as long as I’m up I might as well be productive and try and make some money.
-Play airplane with my cats until they start biting too hard.
-Take a bath, but first I have to clean the bathtub. Like, every time I want to take a bath, I have to scrub down the bathtub because I don’t want athlete’s foot in my asshole. I then end up cleaning the entire bathroom. Then I take a bath and about 5 minutes in I get bored so I get out and get my iPod, then the water is cold, so I have to drain a little then add more hot water. THEN I start to panic that I might fall asleep and drown so I have to get out of the bathtub and grab my inflatable airplane pillow, which I have to blow up, so I have to sit like a a nob on the edge of the tub blowing it up. Then I get back in and the water is too cold again, so ONCE AGAIN I have to drain a little bit of the water and the refill it with the hot. Then after about 20 minutes I start to get all pruned and I’m not even halfway through whatever podcast I’m listening to.
-I listen to the rest of whatever podcast on my bedroom floor with my feet in the air while I focus on trying to spread my toes as far apart as possible. It’s called yoga toes folks, it’s a real thing. And I can do it really well with my left foot, but my right foot isn’t as good at it which pisses me off. I hate my right foot.
-Go into elaborate fantasies about one day writing my memoir and then being interviewed by Conan O’Brien.
-Try on outfits that I would possibly wear on Conan.
-Try on all the shoes in my closest and then wonder why I own so many high heels that I never fucking wear because I can’t walk in them anyway and I almost always fall over in them.
-Consider selling my shoes on eBay.
-Re-consider selling my shoes on eBay because what if I need them for a wedding or something, because seriously, all of my friends are getting fucking married and I don’t want to have to buy a new pair of shoes every time I have to go to some wedding.
-Go back on facebook to see who the fuck else I know is getting married.
-Consider joining eHarmony.
-Realize I’m a disaster of a person and I would be one of those people who gets rejected from the eHarmony site and decide that I can’t handle that kind of electronic rejection.
-Go back on facebook, drink half a bottle of wine, and decide I’m better off than all those fuckers.
-Realize I’m too drunk for the internet.
And finally, friends, I fall asleep around 6:30 in the morning. Which gives me about 1-2 hours before I must be awake for the day. Huzzah!
So that’s what I do when I cannot sleep and sleep deprived mania washes over me. I hope you enjoyed the glimpse into my weird ass life as an insomniac. Please don’t avoid me forever now.
Jeff Scheen is Weird
I wasn’t born a slave. I become one after the great robot wars that started September 1st, 2011. The human race was either obliterated or taken aboard the giant robot space ships and sent to work as gardeners on the third moon of Flab Quarv 7. My former life as a comedian who rocked the socks off of audiences all across the United States and parts of Canada were behind me. Now, I was trimming hedges and pulling weeds for the gluttonous Flab Quarvians.
The days were long. One Flab Quarv 7 day is equal to 3 ½ Earth days. Oh, how I miss the Earth. The nights were longer. Sure, they were only a standard Earth night long, but they felt longer because I was a slave gardener and only had a hoe to fend off the vicious nocturnal Jagerbeasts.
I’ll never forget the night when a little bit of home came rushing back to me in the form of a friendly bearded face. At first I didn’t recognize the bearded man, although his intense glare was eerily familiar. It wasn’t until he took off his fake beard, which he wore at night because Jagerbeasts are afraid of facial hair, that I realized it was my old friend the great Mike O’Keefe! I was excited to see him. Mike was always like a little brother to me. Before we could greet each other a space rake violently crashed into his skull killing him instantly.
Behind him, stood Jeff Scheen. He had blood in his eyes. After he wiped his eyes clean he recognized me and asked where Mike O’Keefe went. Fearful for my life and not wanting to be the bearer of bad news, I changed the subject and asked Jeff to tell me his tale. Still clutching his bloodied space rake, Jeff sat down beside me and we began to talk. The other slaves were fascinated and joined in the questioning. Here is a transcript of Jeff’s final words to our ragtag group.
I remember back on Earth you told me once that you slept in your parents’ room until you were 12. Is that where all your fucked up material came from?
I guess. I destroyed their sex life. Killed it. Because as soon as I was out of there they had a kid. My sister is 12 years younger than me. I was the only child for 12 years.
How did you rebel?
I always wanted a sister.
Nerd Comic Rising 19: Allyson Hood
It’s podcast XIX! And this episode is with the ever amazing Allyson Hood. We argue about Star Trek, talk about the wonders of marriage, and discuss the realities of being a female comedian. Check out more great content at JeffreyConolly.com or email feedback to ncrpodcast@gmail.com
Guess the Pedestrian
I spend a lot of time driving for work, and as anyone who does knows, you need to do something to alleviate the boredom of the road. That’s why I came up with the game Guess the Pedestrian.
It’s a simple game, and you can play it alone or with friends.
In my experience, unless you live downtown in a big city, there are only a few kinds of pedestrians out and about:
- People too poor to afford a car
- People with DUI’s
- Kids
People exercising don’t count as pedestrians – they’re doing something else all together.
The fun is trying to guess which type each pedestrian you see is. The girl in a Sepultura T-shirt and pajama pants pushing a baby stroller and smoking a cigarette? No car. The 40-something guy carrying a 12-pack and a bag of groceries down the street? DUI. Keep tabs on how many of each you see, or with a buddy, each pick a type, and see who gets to 10 first. It’s fun for everyone! Except, of course, those poor pedestrians.
Doctor Who – Season 6 – Episode 8 – Let’s Kill Hitler Review
DOCTOR WHO SEASON 6 REVIEWS- 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13
Doctor Who is back! It’s a good thing too, since I was starting to go through serious withdraws. The 8000 episodes of Star Trek added to Netflix helped the pain a bit, but it was still a long summer. So did Let’s Kill Hitler deliver? In a word: yes. In two words: F&$* yes! In three words: Yes and No.
Confused? Me too. Although I think this is my second favorite episode this season ( the first being The Doctor’s Wife ) it took several watchings to get me to that conclusion. At first I was just spent by the whole thing emotionally. I bought every red herring hook, line, and sinker, and because of that I couldn’t properly gauge how I felt till at least watch-through number 2.
At any rate, look below for my spoil-filled review.
“You named your Spoilers after your Spoilers.”
THE GOOD
* HITLER IN A CUPBOARD – Although many people cheered and giggled at the announced title “Let’s Kill Hitler” when it appeared in epic bravado at the end of Episode 7 I cringed. I held out hope that the follow up to AGMGTW would be more River/Melody focused, and when the first 10 minutes of this episode seemed to be a standard historical romp with robot Nazi justice soldier I cringed even more. Then Hitler got put in a cupboard, Mels was revealed to be Melody (how did I not see that coming?), and the whole episode become beyond what I was looking for.
* Melody/River – I read somewhere that Russel T. Davies, who got the honor of casting River for her first appearance in the 4th season, originally wanted to cash in a favor to cast Kate Winslet in the part. I doubt the Oscar Winning Winslet would have ever returned had she been cast, and I wonder what the show would even look like now had that been the case. Alex Kingston was brilliant in this episode. It sort of reminded me of watching Buffy the Vampire after Angel lost his soul. We are forced to watch one of our favorite characters as evil, but unlike evil Angel, Melody/River has a certain innocence that comes with the sociopathic tenancies. Plus, she has the greatest line I think I’ve ever heard on Doctor Who “Well, I was on my way to this gay Gypsy bar mitzvah for the disabled when I suddenly thought, “Gosh, the Third Reich’s a bit rubbish. I think I’ll kill the Fuhrer.” Who’s with me?”
* ANTIBODYS – It’s hard not to like an entity that kills you so politely. “Your death will now be implemented. Please enjoy the music while you death party is being reached…”
* TIED UP LIKE A BOW – We get to find out why River didn’t regenerate when she dies in the library. We get to see her first given the diary by the doctor. We get to (I think) see where she hears the Doctor’s name (if that is what he whispers to her as he is dying. We even get the first ever “Hello Sweetie!”
THE BAD
* CONFUSING EMOTIONS – So I am confused, sometimes in a good way, sometimes in a bad way. I still want Rory and Amy to get their baby back. It’s really weird to see Rory and Amy doing so well after there baby was kidnapped so traumatically in AGMGTW, and I hope as we go back into standalone episodes next week that it isn’t just brushed under the rug. At the same time, do I really want them to find the baby? Because if they do then the River Song we know and love might never have existed, Mels wouldn’t have pushed Amy and Rory together, or given them the name to name herself. Again, it is confusing.
THE UGLY
It took the Super Justice Robot Squad that long to check there instruments and find out they were in the wrong year? This seems pretty careless seeing as they had already spent a lot of time and resources killing a dude and assuming his identity. I guess I shouldn’t expect much of the group that thought it was a good idea to make a security system that would kill them if they forgot to wear their WWJD bracelets, but someone is paying a lot of dough for this. Transformers can’t be cheap. Otherwise, we’d all have our own Optimus Prime.
BOLD PREDICTIONS
* You Accept and Know this to be true? So Silence will fall when the big, bold, first question will be asked. The question is said to be in plain sight. So our big question is what is that question? Moffat likes to mess with mistaken dialogue a lot. It’s not outside the realm of possibility that when Robot Amy confronts River/Melody by saying “You killed the Doctor by order of the Silence, the Academy of the Question. You accept and know this to be true?” That it actually meant “the Academy of the Question: You accept and know this to be true?” As in You accept and know this to be true is the question in question, and the “this” refers to all of life.
FINAL SUMMARY
This was River’s episode, and after I knew that, I loved it. When the red car came darting through the corn field I expected River to come out. I was surprised when she didn’t, then surprised when I found out that she really did. We had a lot explained, and next week we get to some creepy stand alone romps, which honest-to-science I am kind of glad for. I have some plot fatigue.
My New Favorite Podcast: Affirmation Nation with Bob Ducca
I have started listening to an excellent new podcast over the past few weeks. Listeners of Comedy Bang Bang will recognize the character Bob Ducca from his frequent appearances on that podcast. Affirmation Nation with Bob Ducca has turned what I thought might have been a one-note character into a 5-day-a-week 3-5 minute dose of awesome. Seth Morris (the man behind Bob Ducca) is a comedy genius as far as I’m concerned.
Every weekday, Bob shares a story, gives us a health tip, responds to listener e-mails, or reviews a health product on the show. Every episode is funny, often in an unexpected way, like when Bob started recording an episode and got kicked out of the recording studio by the person who had booked it, or when his guided meditation turned into 2 minutes of the sounds of him removing all of his medical devices before he could begin.
I laugh out loud at this podcast more often than I do with any of the other comedy podcasts I listen to.
If you’re not listening to Affirmation Nation, check it out on iTunes or at Earwolf.com.
Quick Questions: What’s Your Favorite Movie About Comedy?
I live, breath, eat and sleep comedy. Movies about comedy speak to me. From the flawed Punchline to a classic like Annie Hall, I love movies about comedians. The best movie to capture the essence of comedy in a small town doing a one nighter has got to be The Godfather of Green Bay. But my all time favorite is Funny People. People knocked it, but I love it. My nightmare is that I’ll end up friendless like Adam Sandler’s character. I try really hard to be nice to everyone, but I know sometimes I piss off my friends and that makes me feel terrible. I need my them. Anyway, I asked my peers what their favorite movie about comedy is. Check it out:
Brad Austin: Comedian. (Mike note: An essential documentary for every comedian to watch.)
The third chair…the great Pat Francis: Mr. Saturday Night.
Kristy Rock: When Stand Up Stood Out. Read the rest of this entry
Nerd Comic Rising 18: Dan Currie
It’s a podcast that can buy cigarettes and lottery tickets! Legally! And this episode is with the ever awesome Dan Currie. We talk about the Michigan Comic Network, stupid girls who can’t pick the right door, and the peculiar nature of what was Lansing comedy politics. Check out more great content at JeffreyConolly.com or email feedback to ncrpodcast@gmail.com
Live From New York…It’s Ben Konstantin!
Ben Konstantin has been my peer from the very start of my time in comedy. Like I said previously regarding my friendship with Bob Phillips and Steve Lind, Ben is a guy who I don’t see me interacting with in any other world outside of comedy. We’re just two very different people. Honestly, he rubbed me the wrong way until I started to get to know him. What I viewed as off putting, was really just focus and determination. I’m glad I managed to overcome my preconceived biases and got to become friends with Ben before he moved to New York. I’m a fan of the guy and I was curious to see how the Big Apple was going to treat him. A handful of Detroit guys have made the jump to New York, but I wasn’t as close with any of them as I am Ben. So now that he’s a couple months into his new residence, I picked his brain.
How is comedy treating you so far out there?
It’s been tough and great at the same time. Recently I had a week where I was on stage seven times in five days and mostly good shows.
Week in Review: Nerding Out!
All the proofs for my new CD “Full Frontal Nerdity” were finalized this week and the order is being processed. I’m super excited for it. Roger from the Ann Arbor Comedy Showcase has been gracious enough to host my CD release party on September 22nd. He even let me put together a super awesome line up that I handpicked. The show will open with Jeff Conolly who was part of my birthday show where we recorded the CD. Comedian/Derby Girl/Cool Chick Amy Probst, who I’m a big fan of, will be next, followed by the super awesome Allyson Hood. Allyson has a guest appearance on my CD. Mike O’Keefe, who also makes an appearance on my CD is next and then finally it’s me. I’ll have free passes for this show too. I really can’t wait for the 22nd!
I also had a meeting with the Red Cross this week. On October 25th a bunch of us will be roasting Dracula to benefit the Red Cross. So lots of great things up ahead.
Thursday I did a set at the Painted Lady. I’ve been going through a lot of stress and well…went on stage with a lot of baggage. It was cringe worth, but therapeutic. Trevor Smith had two new bits that were so awesome that it made me want to quit comedy for a minute. He and I will be hitting the road together in a couple weeks to head to Goonie’s in Rochester, Minnesota.
After the Painted Lady a lot of us headed over to Go Comedy. I did an interview for an internet project. It was fun and silly. I love the camaraderie of hanging out with comedians. In spite of my little melt down, it was a great night.
On Saturday I headed up to The Bull Ring in Goodrich, Michigan. Vicky, who runs the place, likes to make sure her customers have regular comedy, so this show was sort of a lead in to the start of their normal season. I didn’t know it was only a one person show, so I was glad that Allyson Hood came out for a guest set. She ended up opening the show and really set the stage for me. That show ended up being great!
Sunday I met up with one of my oldest friends, Jeff Sanguis to work on a project with him for his website Nerding Out. Jeff was the lead singer of Detroit ska legends Telegraph. We’ve been buddies since we were teenagers and stayed close because of our mutual dorkiness. Jeff and I both bought Bonnie Burton’s Star Wars crafting book, so we ended up rolling tape while we each picked a project to make. It was great catching up with him again, especially while dorking out!
George Washington!
My brothers showed me this video, and I thought it was great. As far as I know, it is historically accurate.
D&D Comedy: Comic Character Concepts
In a mystical WORLD of beauty, four brave HEROES shall awesomely assemble and use their AMAZING gifts to save ALL from the forces of DARKNESS! In other words, me and four comics will be playing Dungeons and Dragons in a few weeks. Being the Black dungeon master, I’ll be playing the evil darkness of course.
It’s a role I’m used to since I’ve run table top role-playing games (RPGs) for nearly twenty years. If any sentence was meant to express the feeling of shameful pride, it would be the one before this one.
Role-playing games for you frequent sex-havers and comedy fans is when players take on the role of a hero in an improvised play where success and failure are determined by rolling dice and strategy. Its World of Warcraft and other online games minus the computer graphics but played with pencil, paper, math and ACTUAL social skills.
Despite deprecation, I’m excited to combine my two passions and pleased with the players I’ll have. Comedians are of course creative people and most of the fun we’ll have, and eventually share with you readers, will come from collaborating on the story. Unlike most improv troupes however, our tale will likely be funny.
The group will include local laughinator Jeff Scheen, comic podcaster and fellow contributor Jeff Conolly, enthusiastic gamer/entertainer Erik Kitter and our very own head-geek-in-charge headliner Mike Bobbitt (his link would take you here, why bother).
The kind of character player’s create is very close to their own personality. I haven’t known these guys for long, but watching their acts is a window into their souls, so I’m already starting to imagine what kind of heroes or medieval miscreants they’ll make.
Scheen is a very imaginative performer whom uses improv skill to organically build his bits. He would make a decent Bard – a jack of all trades traveling adventurer skilled in musical magic and martial prowess. If his dreams of comedy success ever completely fail with no chance of resurrection, he’d run good games as a homeless man with his imaginary friends.
Conolly is a very smart comic with a laid back presentation and also a veteran gamer. I can easily see him as leader type like a Cleric – think Gandalf from Lord of the Rings with much BALLSIER powers. With his experience in older more complicated versions of D&D, he’ll be very helpful in advising those players new to the game. My evil forces will try to kill him first.
I haven’t hung out with Erik a lot, but he seems excited. He would make a good Rogue – a sneaky thief-like adventurer. I say this cause I can’t even remember his act -now that’s STEALTH!
Mike has a very aggressive style on stage and has impressed upon me the importance of confidence. He isn’t that versed with D&D so a simple character class would benefit him the most. I think he’ll enjoy the directness of a good old fashioned fighter, effectively treating every monster in the way as Khal Drogo would treat a heckler.
Conolly, host of the Nerd Comic Rising podcast, will be recording the session so you’ll be able to hear how things pan out.
Anybody got any comedy/fantasy/history concepts or scenes I should have ready for them?
Shut Up, Internet! #5
This is the fifth in a series of posts on internet trends or memes I think are just plain stupid. Please be advised that my opinions do not necessarily reflect those of Mike Bobbitt, Off the Mike, any other contributors, Stephen Hawking, the United States Navy, M&M Mars, the Newsboy Legion, my mother, my dog, or my wife.
Taking Comedians Seriously on Twitter
Twitter is a lot of fun, and I really enjoy following my favorite comedians on there. The problem I have lately is the deluge of stupidity coming from other Twitter users. Not a day goes by that one of the comedians I follow doesn’t retweet an idiotic answer to a rhetorical question, someone accusing them of being dumb or offensive because of a joke they made, or explaining something to them like they’re a child because the feigned ignorance for humor.
You are reading posts made by comedians. They are usually trying to be funny. Let’s all just take that for granted. It’s usually pretty obvious when they are being serious, otherwise it’s safe to assume anything they say is for humor. If you’re following your senator, by all means, take him or her seriously all the time and tweet your outrage to them. If a comedian offends you or says something you don’t like, unfollow them, but don’t send them a message about it. They’re just going to retweet it to show the rest of us how stupid you are. Yes, we will all look down on you from our lofty comedy nerd towers.
Why do idiots try to ruin everything for us?
Comedian…er…Comedienne…er…the Hilarious Allyson Hood
I’m a big fan of Allyson Hood, but I’m also insanely jealous of her. When I watch her on stage it really seems like she hit the ground running. Relatively new at comedy, she’s only been performing for about the past year, Allyson already has a very distinct voice and point of view. She’s self assured on stage with very deliberate timing. I’m a firm believer in people having a natural talent for comedy and Allyson certainly backs up that theory in my mind.
When I interviewed TJ Miller, I did research and found an old interview with him from before he broke big. Hopefully this will be the same case with this Allyson Hood interview. I really believe she’s going to be big. I’m proud to have shared the stage with her during my birthday shows and she’s a performer who I always look forward to seeing work. Enjoy our chat.
What I find interesting about your start is that you got into comedy totally by yourself because it just became this thing that you got obsessed with.
Yeah.
What was that process that put you on stage the first time?
I just started looking up open mics at comedy clubs. I just googled open mics in Detroit and I think Mark Ridley’s (Comedy Castle) popped up first. So I just called and said, “Hey I want to sign up for the open mic. I’ve never done this before. What do I do?”
Did you get on the first week?
I got on the first week and I didn’t get on the next week, but I did get on the week after that. I got on twice a month exclusively there after that.
Off the Mike 