I wasn’t born a slave. I become one after the great robot wars that started September 1st, 2011. The human race was either obliterated or taken aboard the giant robot space ships and sent to work as gardeners on the third moon of Flab Quarv 7. My former life as a comedian who rocked the socks off of audiences all across the United States and parts of Canada were behind me. Now, I was trimming hedges and pulling weeds for the gluttonous Flab Quarvians.
The days were long. One Flab Quarv 7 day is equal to 3 ½ Earth days. Oh, how I miss the Earth. The nights were longer. Sure, they were only a standard Earth night long, but they felt longer because I was a slave gardener and only had a hoe to fend off the vicious nocturnal Jagerbeasts.
I’ll never forget the night when a little bit of home came rushing back to me in the form of a friendly bearded face. At first I didn’t recognize the bearded man, although his intense glare was eerily familiar. It wasn’t until he took off his fake beard, which he wore at night because Jagerbeasts are afraid of facial hair, that I realized it was my old friend the great Mike O’Keefe! I was excited to see him. Mike was always like a little brother to me. Before we could greet each other a space rake violently crashed into his skull killing him instantly.
Behind him, stood Jeff Scheen. He had blood in his eyes. After he wiped his eyes clean he recognized me and asked where Mike O’Keefe went. Fearful for my life and not wanting to be the bearer of bad news, I changed the subject and asked Jeff to tell me his tale. Still clutching his bloodied space rake, Jeff sat down beside me and we began to talk. The other slaves were fascinated and joined in the questioning. Here is a transcript of Jeff’s final words to our ragtag group.
I remember back on Earth you told me once that you slept in your parents’ room until you were 12. Is that where all your fucked up material came from?
I guess. I destroyed their sex life. Killed it. Because as soon as I was out of there they had a kid. My sister is 12 years younger than me. I was the only child for 12 years.
How did you rebel?
I always wanted a sister.
This past week I did a handful of shows.
I started at the Castle on Wednesday where I was working on a five minute clean set. It was basically the set I did at the Ice House in Pasadena last month minus the opening joke. It killed in Pasadena to the point where it threw off my timing. I couldn’t keep the faux anger thing going on because I was so overcome with delight that the Latinos were enjoying me so much. It ate shit at the Castle. I recorded it. Christine and I watched it. Her guess is that the opening joke might not be the right opening joke. Back to the drawing board.
After that I headed over to Joey’s for Bill Bushart’s birthday. Bill was on fire on stage! It was a blast to watch!
On Thursday I spoke at the writing session at Laff Tracks in Novi. It’s a good group they have there. I had a really fun time. I’m glad they had me come out. I worked from my notebook and tried some new stuff. It probably wasn’t club worthy, but I could see it working more for rowdy bar crowds. With the exception of one joke that I did a couple more times this past week, I honestly can’t remember what the other things were.
Friday and Saturday I was at the Holly Hotel with the Scheen and Connoly portion of the Jeff Comedy Jam. It was a strong line up! I think it’s fair to say that we all have similar sensibilities and if someone liked one of us, they liked us all. That being said, one of the shows was a battle. I’m still glad that Beth who runs the room there is still super cool and nice and hasn’t turned to the dark side that comes from whatever bad mojo haunts the Holly Hotel! Previous managers…horrible people. The most recent one started off nice, but turned evil. Beth is still going strong and just a genuinely nice person.
My friend and newest writing partner Lesley Braden returned to the art of stand up during the Saturday show. I was really impressed. She came out with a brand new five minutes and it hit strong!
My brother brought out a bunch of his family and friends to the Saturday show for his birthday and I was glad that it went well. He and I are polar opposites, but one thing we did always have in common was our sense of humor. My first performances were acting out scenes from Saturday Night Live, Strange Brew and Pee Wee’s Big Adventure with my brother on our front lawn for neighbor kids. It always makes me glad to have him in the audience. This year for his birthday I didn’t make him get up on stage with me. Okay, at Holly you can’t really get up on stage as much as you can get over on stage.
On Sunday, Mr. Scheen and I rocked Maxie’s in Flint. The new general manager was complaining about the previous week show because audience members apparently left. My only guess is it was the heat. Maxie’s needs to fix their A/C. I was drenched when I got done performing like I had been in a sauna. It was a fun night. Jeff Scheen left me alone in the parking lot with a scary man, but I made it home safe!
This week I’m in Lansing at Connxtions. Come on out if you’re in the area!
Jeff Conolly again here. I have a show coming up where me and five other guys named Jeff are performing called the Jeff Comedy Jam. It should be a really fun night, and it’s especially big because it’s the first show I’ve ever run by myself. I’d love it if a bunch of OfftheMikers could show up! It’s June 10th at Laff Tracks in Novi. You can go to the Facebook event here.
Here’s a promo video my wife helped me make (she was especially enthusiastic about the ending).
Mike Bobbitt is arguably one of the funniest, if not the funniest comedian working in Detroit. In his eight years in the business he’s already performed in numerous comedy festivals and worked with some of the biggest names in the business.
The remarkable thing about Mike Bobbitt is that he’s able to walk the fine line between speaking to a very specific crowd while maintaining a level of accessibility to the masses.
Mike currently wrapped production on the television show that he and his wife wrote. I had a chance to talk to him while he was in Madison, Wisconsin.
Mike, let me start by saying you look really handsome.
You manage to be both cute and cuddly and ruggedly handsome at the same time. That’s quite a feat.
I appreciate that, but this is already starting off a little weird.