Category Archives: Uncategorized



I’m back home January 2nd through 17th.  Apparently I missed the snow so much that I wanted to endure it again!

Here’s a run down of the shows I’ll be doing when I’m back.

January 2nd and 3rd, I’ll be at Laffs Inc Comedy Club in Toledo.  I’m headlining so you’ll be able to get a whole bunch of me there.  I’m not sure who’s opening, but I’m guessing it will be somebody good.  I’m excited to check out this new club.  I’ve heard the the crowds are small, but the club is great!

January 7th and 8th, I’m at Go! Comedy Improv Theatre in Ferndale.  The 7th, I’m doing their Standprov show.  It’s basically improvised stand up.  I don’t know a whole lot about it other than it’s an opportunity to step outside of my comfort zone and try something new.  On the 8th, I’m doing a double header show there.  First, I’ll be doing an hour long regular comedy show with my friends Steve Lind and Bob Phillips.  Afterwards, you’re invited to stick around to check out a trial run of a game show idea I have based on the game Cards Against Humanity.  I’ll be joined onstage by some super funny friends like Jeff Dwoskin, PJ Jacokes, Kent Tucker and Heather Kozlakowski.  And what’s even cooler is that you have a chance to go home with a fabulous prize!

January 10th, Steve Lind and Bob Phillips joins me again at the Pix Theatre in Lapeer for our The Good, The Bad and The Ugly Show.  It’s a chance to me to play again with two of my favorite people in the world.  It’s going to be a great 90 minute comedy show in a really awesome theatre.

January 15th-17th, I’m at the relocated Ann Arbor Comedy Showcase opening for the very funny Roy Wood Jr.  I worked with Roy out here and he’s amazing.

So I hope to see everybody when I’m back.

I Am a Reluctant Test Audience

For free entertainment, I managed to get myself on the list to get free movie screening passes.  Recently, this has gotten me into a couple of super advance screenings of movies that aren’t due out for months and months.  Contractually, I’m not allowed to say anything about the movies, but there wasn’t anything in the confidentiality agreement about talking about the screening process.  So let’s cover those in the broadest terms.

After the movies everyone in the audience gets questionnaires.  And when I say everyone, I mean everyone.  Every opinion is the same.  My opinion doesn’t matter any more or less than the guy in the American flag shirt with the cut off sleeves…and yeah, that guy really exists.  My opinion doesn’t matter any more or less than woman who kept misplacing her child because she was doing something else.  My opinion also doesn’t matter any more or less than that child, who also gets a questionnaire!  Technically, my opinion matters less than all the aforementioned people because I’m too old.

Before the movies, staff members will go through the line asking everyone how old they are.  I was told by one to never tell anyone again that I’m 42.  When it comes to screenings, I’m 34.  I’m flattered that they think I can pass for 34.  Yeah, I could.  I’m a rough looking 34, but a great looking 42!  I can’t even get screening passes using my information.  I have to get them using my girlfriend’s information because she’s in that prime demographic of females 18-34.  For real, I’ve tried to get passes inputting my information only to be told that the screening was full.  I tried again using her information and…voila…enjoy your movie!

The questionnaires cover the obvious.  What did you like?  What didn’t you like?  How about those actors?

I saw a big comedy movie scheduled for 2015.  There was a sequence where a Slayer song was used, unbelievably and appropriately well.  Whoever did the music for that absolutely nailed it!  It was a song where the mood fit the scene, as did the lyrics.  I may have been the only person to note that afterwards.  Looking around the screening room (yeah, this one was so early that it wasn’t even in a theater, it was a tiny screening room at the studio), I saw people cringing at what I was guessing their dislike of Slayer.  Maybe they even made a note of that on their form.  That’s disappointing.  If more people note that they didn’t like that moment than the people who note that they thought it was a subtly cool choice, that moment may be gone and you’ll never get to see it.

Sometimes I’m wrong.  I think my second biggest strength as a human is being able to freely admit when I’m wrong.  My first biggest strength is my ability to pat myself on the back!  I saw a supernatural horror movie the other night where one of the character dies by a hair dryer falling into the bathtub and electrocuting her.  The first note I made on the “what didn’t you like?” section of the survey, “hair dryers falling into bathtubs can’t kill you.”  Really?!  That’s where I chose to draw the line in suspending my disbelief?  I was fine with all the supernatural stuff happening, but apparently I couldn’t get past a technical flaw.  For the record, circuit breakers would prevent you from being electrocuted if an appliance fell in your bathtub or swimming pool.  While I believe that to be true, I’m not willing to test it out.  I’ll save that for my doppelganger Adam Savage and the Mythbusters crew.

When you go into a movie knowing you’re going to be asked to make note of the things you didn’t like, you’re going to be looking for things not to like.  Some movies aren’t meant to be inspected under a microscope.  We’re not talking Paul Thomas Anderson movies here, because I’m guessing he never has to put his work under the scrutiny of test audiences.

The question that bothers me the most is the one about what you thought about each main actor.  Sometimes actors get bad roles or bad direction.  Maybe they’re cast in the wrong role.  One of my favorite actresses was in one of the movies I saw, but her character was one note and she was extremely under used.  So when asked what I thought of her in the movie, what could I do?  Do I say she wasn’t good, even though I know she’s actually pretty great at her craft?  Or do I say she’s great, even though she wasn’t in this movie?  This particular actress is primarily known for television.  What if poor screening results from this keep her from getting more movie roles even though she’s normally really good?

While I appreciate the free movies, I don’t think the opinion of test audiences should really matter.  I get the importance of having someone tell you to maybe take another pass at things.  Whenever I post something new here, punk rock poet/actor Jimmy Doom is always quick to let me know when there are spelling or grammatical mistakes.  When I write a new script, I always send it to comedian/writer Nick Anthony because he not only understands that craft on a level I don’t yet, but he also doesn’t pull any punches.  It’s important to have people who are honest with you…if their opinions matter.  I think we can all agree that maybe George Lucas should have asked Steven Spielberg what he thought of anything he’s done since Return of the Jedi.  Maybe he did, but Spielberg wasn’t honest.  Jimmy and Nick are both great writers.  Their opinions matter because they understand the craft and they’re honest.  The opinions of random people in a test audience shouldn’t matter, but they do.

But seriously, thank you for the free tickets!

It’s good to be The King

I have a couple non-comedy things coming up that I’m really looking forward to.  My friend Jared Stroup has written a great screenplay that he’s gearing up to produce.  There’s a really fun…and sizable role in it that he asked me to play.  I’m super flattered and honored!  I’m beginning to feel my limitations as an actor.  I think sometimes people have a natural talent for things and sometimes they don’t.  

My first love is music.  I really wanted to be a musician.  Growing up all of my friends were musicians.  I was in a handful of bands to the dismay of my bandmates who had to carry my load.  I think playing with good musicians helped me get better, but I just didn’t have what it takes to be good.  I’m noodling around with a bass now and am probably as good as I was twenty years ago when I practiced a lot!  

I’m hoping I’ll find some secret talent when it comes to acting.  I just watched a clip of a thing I shot over the past year and was pretty disappointed.  I think I did a passable job in Deadpan, but those were words that I helped write…and a character that was based pretty close to myself.  Jared’s movie is going to be the thing that makes me decide if I want to keep trying this…or maybe check out an acting class.  He and I have talked about my worries.  I have a lot of confidence in him as a director though.   Read the rest of this entry

Say “Uncle”!

I’m going back and forth between thinking I’m the worst uncle in the world getting my niece and nephew to say bad words into a camera and realizing that they at least hear way worse at school every day.  Nevertheless, I thought it would be funny.

During my CD recording, I spoke a little bit about how my parents tried to shelter me and my brother.  That only worked until outside forces invaded.

Read the rest of this entry

My Favorite Films of 2012

There were a lot of huge popcorn films this year, but my favorites are made up largely of smaller films.   For me in order to really enjoy a story I have to care deeply about the characters.  While I recognize The Master as a great film it just didn’t click with me.  I thought the world was interesting, but it followed my least favorite character in that world….much to the dismay of Jared from the Man in the Movie Hat website.   The Master does follow the same theme that makes up my top five favorites though.  It’s a story about friendship.  So here’s my list.

21_jump_street_poster_(2012)_wallpaper_02#5: 21 Jump Street.  Yeah, I know.  I had so many movies to put in this slot.  Moonrise Kingdom, Goon and Frankenweenie could have all easily been here instead.  Ultimately the reason I chose 21 Jump Street is because if all four movies were sitting on the shelf and were the only thing I could watch, it’s the one I’d put in the Blu-Ray player.  It’s fun and Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill have real chemistry together.  You get the feeling that it was just a fun film to make.  Nick Offerman has a great scene where he basically goofs on the whole idea of rehashing an idea from twenty years ago.  It’s self aware.  There are a couple of great cameos that will probably take you by surprise too.

I don’t know or care about hockey at all, but Goon was great.  The final scene is cringe worthy.  Moonrise Kingdom is your typical quirky Wes Anderson film where every frame is a work of visual art.  Frankenweenie had me really caring about an animated character and pleading near the end to just let the film entertain me and not remind me of any life lessons.  All three films are ultimately about friendship.

looper#4 Looper.  I’m always a sucker for time travel stories.  I’ve worked on the idea on stage about how if I could go back in time to meet with my younger self I don’t think we’d like each other very much.  That’s definitely the case here with Looper.   Ryan from the aforementioned Man in the Movie Hat website saw this before I did.  I sent him my prediction of what I thought it would be about.  I was way off.  So I went in excited to be surprised…and surprised I was right up to the finale.  Maybe it’s not really a movie about friendship as much as it’s about self preservation….but hey…that’s pretty important too.  Filmmaker Rian Johnson gets better and better with each project.   the fact that he glosses over the mechanics of time travel has been criticized, but it’s just not important to the story.  He does a great job of imagining a near future and creates it with a pretty limited budget.  Joseph Gordon-Levitt keeps proving himself as an amazing actor.  Just look at his range when you compare something like this to Hesher from 2010. Read the rest of this entry

Harry Houdini

I’m in Appleton, Wisconsin right now.  Appleton is probably best known as the first American home of Harry Houdini.   I went to the Houdini Museum today and it struck me how much I could take from Houdini’s life and apply it to comedy.

Erik Weisz was constantly reinventing himself.  His earliest performing was as a trapeze artist.  When he moved on to magic, he took the name Harry Houdini.  For some comedians it’s easy to find your groove and stay in it.  I think sometimes there’s little difference between a groove and a rut.  I doubt anyone today would remember Houdini the trapeze artist, or Ehrich The Prince of the Air as he was calling himself at the time.  I don’t know how many of us would even remember Houdini the magician.  It’s that third reinvention as an escape artist that brought Houdini his fame. Read the rest of this entry

The Lighter Side of Breaking Bad

As a comedian, I personally love how many comedians are in the cast of Breaking Bad…arguably the best show on television.  Well, to tide you over for the ten months until the show returns, here’s a look at some of the stars doing their day jobs.

Obviously the most highest profile comedian on the show has to be the great Bob Odenkirk playing sleazy lawyer Saul Goodman.  Here he is in one of my favorite sketches from Mr. Show:

Comedy nerds were quick to spot Bill Burr on the show.   He’s had a lot of key scenes at one of Saul’s lackeys.  You may remember him from the inspector who helped Skyler get the car wash and more recently as the truck driver during the train robbery episode.  Here’s a look at his amazing stand up: Read the rest of this entry

Tweets from Los Angeles

I was super active on Twitter over the past couple weeks while I was in Los Angeles.  In case you’re not following me there (and why aren’t you?) here are some of the highlights.

Aug 22: The first time I brush my teeth after flying, I seriously worry that baggage handlers stuck my toothbrush up their butts.

Aug 23: LA is Airport Expensive!

Aug 24: Thank you Harry Moroz for taking me to a Latino Juice Bar to tell jokes.

Aug 24: In Detroit the homeless people want you to give them money. In LA they want to tell you about their “aggressive folk punk” music. 

Aug 24: Either I saw Jamie Foxx at a gas station or I’m a racist.

Read the rest of this entry

Scrabble Schtick

Maybe it’s the lack of sleep last night, but for some reason I found this entire conversation via Scrabble with my best buddy Bob Phillips to be ridiculously funny.


Week in Review: West Coast to the Midwest

This past weekend I was at the Ann Arbor Comedy Showcase with my friend Nate Fridson.  I’ve only seen Nate once since he moved to New York about a year or so ago.  He churned out a ton of new material.  It was really nice watching him.  I was nervous going into the weekend since it had been a good month since I did more than 15 minutes of time in one set.   Maybe stand up is like riding a bike.  I haven’t ridden a bike in years and I’m worried how my first attempt would be.

The shows ended up going pretty well.  With the exception of about four or five minutes on being an uncle, I’m not doing any material from my CD that I released just about a year ago.   I have a pretty good track record at the Showcase so I took advantage of that trust to try out some new pieces.   Most of them worked.

This week marks the start of two months of road work.  The boredom I feel from doing the same jokes over and over again tends to go away when I’m in new cities.   I know everything will be brand new to them.  This week I’ll be at the Skyline Comedy Cafe in Appleton, Wisconsin.  It’s a great club and I’m really looking forward to it.

Earlier in the week I did a live episode of WTF with Marc Maron.  That was pretty awesome.  I know Marc has his reputation, but he’s been super cool to me.  I was nervous for the interview, but it went fairly well.  We dug a little more into my personal life than I would have wanted, but that’s the nature of the show.  After that I went over to the UCB Theatre and did a set on Comedy Bang Bang.  Zach Galifianakis closed that show.  Backstage he seemed like a genuinely good guy.  That made me happy.  Eric Andre was there too.  He was just super nice and charming.  It really does seem like the only dicks you encounter in this business are the people at the bottom who are bitter being stuck there.  The higher up you go, the nicer people seem to be.

I closed out my LA trip with a set on The Meltdown and Meltdown Comics.  That show was simply amazing.  It’s a small room, packed full of comedy super fans.  The line up is always great.  I was so honored that my Jonah Ray let me be part of it.  Through my years I’ve met a lot of people who I don’t get to see nearly as much as I’d like.  Jonah is one of those guys.  He’s another guy who in addition to being a really good comedian, is also a hell of a nice person.

Sean Patton from New Orleans closed the Meltdown show and was simply amazing.  I worked with Sean here in Michigan and thought he was great.  Earlier this week though, that greatness was on a whole new level.  At the risk of sounding like a broken record, another super awesome person too.  Hopefully Sean and I will be able to do some shows together in 2013.  He’s going to be on Maron’s television show for IFC next year.  I have a feeling that’s about the time that he’s going to blow up and become a household name at least with comedy nerds.

From start to finish, last week was a blast!  Enjoy some clips from Nate, Jonah and Sean.

Big in France

WordPress offers a lot of cool stats.  Below is a chart of what countries the people live in who come to this site.

I assumed I would have the most readers in the US and then Canada.  I was pleasantly surprised to find that the UK was a close third.  I love Australia too.  I really hope I can perform down there soon.  I know all the lyrics to Who Can It Be Now so I’ll hit in just fine.  France is fifth, eh?  I wish it was broken down to see where on the site people from each country were looking.  Surprisingly, close behind France was Brazil.  I sort of thought it would have been New Zealand or another European country.  So, this may be interesting only to me, but it was interesting nonetheless.

Country Views
United States FlagUnited States 9,049
Canada FlagCanada 511
United Kingdom FlagUnited Kingdom 449
Australia FlagAustralia 206
France FlagFrance 140

The Business of Comedy: Funny Business

I get flack sometimes for being friends with the Yoder family, but that’s how it’s been with every job I’ve had.  When I managed a Gamestop, I regularly hung out with district managers outside of work.  When I worked in a call center, my boss not only became a friend, but he became one of my closest friends and even stood up in my wedding.  It’s not that I’m an ass kisser, I’m just a hard worker.  I’ve been in situations too where I hung out with employees and became friends.  The only way friendships like that can start and last is if the lines are clearly drawn between work and play and no one takes advantage of the other.

My friendship with the Yoders gives me a unique perspective on the business side of comedy.  I feel lucky to get that behind the scenes point of view sometimes.   I think about this season of Breaking Bad.  Last season, Walter White thought it was all about him.  As comedians, we tend to do that a lot.  Now that Walter is running the show, he’s seeing how much work goes into the business.  He was just one piece in the puzzle.  Yes, like a comic, you could argue that he’s just about the most important piece, but there are still lots and lots of other pieces.

John Yoder founded Funny Business years and years before many of us ever picked up a microphone.  Now he’s taken more of a back seat approach to the family business and turned the reigns over to his three sons Jamison, Eric and Michael.  I got a chance to bounce some questions off of the two elder brothers (because Michael’s dashing good looks are too hypnotic) to give you a behind the scenes look at the company that employs so many of us.  I hope you enjoy.

I was surprised when I found out how long the Yoder family had been involved in show business booking and the fact that it sort of started with music.  Can you tell me about the history of Funny Business?

Eric: Well, to keep it short and simple – my dad, John Yoder, started out in college booking bands for some of the bigger local music venues.  Later he also begin running a foreign film arts theater here while continuing booking bands. An opportunity came up for him to break into comedy right before the boom hit and became a major player in the years to come as somewhat of a pioneer in the comedy club world.  When club business slowed down a bit, he made the wise decision to diversify into the college and corporate markets and we have continually been building off of all these over the last many years.

A lot of comedians are quick to want to move to New York or LA, but it seems to me like a bulk of the paying work in comedy is in the Midwest.   Have you noticed a trend for where some of the cities where comedians are coming from besides New York and LA?

Eric: I would say that it really depends on what you are looking to do, and which direction you want to head in your comedy career.  I see some incredible acts coming out of the Minneapolis and Chicago areas over the last couple years.  The Detroit scene has been steadily rising as well, and I can see it returning to its former glory as a comedy and arts hotbed.

NYC and LA have always been the cities to be in for TV, Movies and for acts looking at specific careers in comedy.  They both have their ups and downs.  I believe the Midwest has some of the best club crowds for comedy, and for those just breaking into forming longer, full feature and headliner sets, there are more opportunities to do this, and more stages that provide the necessary stage time. In NYC and LA – it’s a lot of places providing 5 or 10 min. sets, which is great for building that short tv set , but not so much building a full 30 or 55 min. set that almost all clubs require.

With the internet and all the opportunities on it, there are so many things you can do to gain exposure and build your “brand” now despite where you are based out of.  But of course a time will always come where you need to decide what you plan to do with your career and if living in a city like LA or NYC is going to provide you with more resources for that goal.

Funny Business has had much more of a presence in a lot of the festivals in North America.  What do you look for when you go to these?

 Eric:  Festivals are a huge part of my role as a club booker, and they are great because you are able to see so much talent over the course of a couple days, that are all already hand-picked acts – thus giving you the opportunity to see some of the top talent all in the same venue(s).  It’s also a chance to have face time with a lot of acts you may deal with regularly but don’t always get to meet face to face.   I look at each act in comparison to the clubs I book, and what markets I seem them being the best fit for.  I look for all the usual things, unique – well written material, confidence, stage presence and experience, etc. and a lot of time it’s a no-brainer who stands out to you as someone you want to get on the books right away.

Very successfully, Funny Business has helped out a lot with Gilda’s Laugh Fest in Grand Rapids.  How did that union begin?

 Jamison: I think they originally got in touch with us through the owner of The Bob. Knowing that we book Dr. Grins here in town as well as several corporate events and our roots here in the community was what got us started. From there it’s been a great marriage with a great organization and group of people we really support and work very well with.

The first two years of Laugh Fest have been humongous!  I know you can’t really say much now, but I know planning for the following year pretty much begins as soon as one year wraps.  What can people expect in 2013?

Jamison: You’re right…Can’t say much.  Suffice to say that people can expect the same caliber and diversity of talent as the past years. Our hope is that each year builds on the next and support and visibility for Gilda’s Club continues to grow along with it.

So we’re getting ready to go back into the busy season of comedy when you’ll be booking emcees again.  For people looking at transitioning from open mic to emceeing, what’s the best way to get noticed by you?

Eric: Performing at open mics in clubs we book and asking the club owners for referrals are a quick way to get on my radar.  We speak with them frequently and they always mention the acts they see consistently improving and who they would like to see given a chance to host a weekend – sometimes we don’t always agree, but it definitely will put them at the top of the pile for review.  Having quality tape, with minimum 10 mins of CLEAN material, suitable for an emcee set is important and almost ALL bookers require this.

Another important thing is being prepared.  Have all necessary items before emailing bookers.  Know what they will want/expect from you.  Come across as a professional, it is essentially a job interview when applying to work at a professional level.  Check your references, I’ve had guys use references, probably assuming we won’t check – then those references have no idea who the act is that used their name.  That automatically puts a bad taste in my mouth, personally.  Their also a handful of acts that work regularly for us that have consistently introduced us to high quality acts, so names they bring us we tend to take notice of quickly.

 What do you and the clubs look for in a good emcee?

 Eric: Clean material, confidence and good energy.  An act open to feedback and willing to be taught.  They need to recognize their role as an emcee.  You are NOT the star of the show.  Your job is to warm up the audience, promote the venue and the acts on the bill – not yourself.   Being humble and recognizing your position on the bill is important.  Hosting is not an open mic – and not the time to try out new material.  The audience paid for this show, and deserves your top performance.

Eric was surprised when I told him I thought it was easier for me to go from middle to headliner than it was to go from emcee to middle. The reason was that I felt I didn’t have to ask for it.  The clubs where I started closing the shows at first were the ones that requested me to do so.  Generally speaking, how do you decide to move people up to the next spot?

 Eric:  Typically at the time you are prepared to move up to the next level, we are already hearing that you should be.  Sometimes mentioning or making your case to be moved up is what needs to be done, but at that point most of the time we’ve already begun to get that type of feedback.  We closely check progress, and monitor feedback and new clips, performances, etc.   The biggest mistake some comedians make is pushing to move up before they are ready.  It’s important to be honest with yourself about where you are at.  Asking for honest feedback from club owners and comedians you work with is important.

The business side of comedy is so incredibly important.  Is there one thing you think all performers, in general, could do in order to be better business people?

 Eric: Ask for advice, take the time to learn and soak up knowledge about how the other side works.  I see all the time that the acts that are consistently working on writing, building content, contacting venues/bookers and actually putting in full days of work to build their career tend to genuinely reap what they sow.  The comedy business isn’t just writing and performing, it’s learning, promoting, building and growing your own business – and you are your own business as a comedian.  Balancing working on your act and learning the business side of comedy is incredibly important.

If a bar or a club are looking to either start comedy or have someone help them with booking, how do they get in touch with you?

 Eric: They can check us out online at for more info and to request quotes – and we are also always available to discuss further via phone at (888) 593-7387.

Thanks guys!

Joey’s Comedy Club // 10:30PM Show // Livonia, MI // 9.25.11

These photos were taken at the 10:30PM Show at Joey’s Comedy Club on Sept. 25, 2011. The performers for the evening included the following:
Michael Malone, Headliner.
Ricarlo Flanagan, Feature.
Bill Bushart, MC.
Jeff Scheen, Special Guest.

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The Roast of Nate Fridson // Joey’s Comedy Club // 9.18.11 // Livonia, MI

On Sept. 18, 2011, the stand-up community shared their thoughts on their fellow comedians and its honoree, Nate Fridson. Nate has made the move to New York City to further his stand-up pursuits. Best of luck, Nate!

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What to do when you can’t sleep.

As some of you know, I have insomnia.  It totally blows.  I sleep at intervals of somewhere between 1 and 4 hours with gaping holes of late night awake time where there isn’t even anything on tv that isn’t an infomercial or 2 & 1/2 Men.

I get asked a lot, “Hey Allyson, what do you do when you can’t sleep?”  and while I usually answer, “I just lay there and try to sleep,” what I really mean is, “I do a whole bunch of weird shit that I don’t want to tell you about because we don’t really know each other well enough for me to tell you about it and you not feel like you should probably leave the room whenever you see me because you’re afraid my weirdness will rub off on you.”  It won’t, so pull yourself together and get ready for a strange journey into what I do when I cannot sleep in the middle of the night.

I usually try to go to sleep at a reasonable time.  And by reasonable, I mean, before midnight.  I watch Conan, then I try to fall asleep on my own.  Sometimes this works, but usually it doesn’t.  I just lie there like a slug while my cat grooms herself on my chest.  It’s disgusting.

So I do a quick run through of all the things that are supposed to make normal people sleepy.  Here they are in no particular order:

-Drink sleepy time tea

-Read a boring book. Like, basically anything by Dean Koontz

-Count backwards from 100

-Close my eyes and hope sleep will come all over my face.

When that shit doesn’t work, because it practically never does, I move on to the weird stuff.  Get ready folks.  Here, in no particular order are the weird things I do to bring sleep.

-Hard boil eggs. Seriously, when the threat of burning my house down is looming, I become exhausted waiting for these fucking eggs to finish cooking so I can lie down.  There are also constantly hard boiled eggs in my house, which is only awesome around Easter.

-Facebook stalk people from high school and feel better or worse about myself depending on how much better or worse they look.

-Jog around my neighborhood and hope coyotes don’t eat me.  Seriously, there are coyotes in my neighborhood and it turns out you can run pretty fast when you feel like you’re trapped in a horror movie that involves coyotes tearing you limb from limb.

-Try and sell stuff on eBay.  I’m broke as shit, so as long as I’m up I might as well be productive and try and make some money.

-Play airplane with my cats until they start biting too hard.

-Take a bath, but first I have to clean the bathtub.  Like, every time I want to take a bath, I have to scrub down the bathtub because I don’t want athlete’s foot in my asshole.  I then end up cleaning the entire bathroom.  Then I take a bath and about 5 minutes in I get bored so I get out and get my iPod, then the water is cold, so I have to drain a little then add more hot water.  THEN I start to panic that I might fall asleep and drown so I have to get out of the bathtub and grab my inflatable airplane pillow, which I have to blow up, so I have to sit like a a nob on the edge of the tub blowing it up.  Then I get back in and the water is too cold again, so ONCE AGAIN I have to drain a little bit of the water and the refill it with the hot.  Then after about 20 minutes I start to get all pruned and I’m not even halfway through whatever podcast I’m listening to.

-I listen to the rest of whatever podcast on my bedroom floor with my feet in the air while I focus on trying to spread my toes as far apart as possible.  It’s called yoga toes folks, it’s  a real thing.  And I can do it really well with my left foot, but my right foot isn’t as good at it which pisses me off.  I hate my right foot.

-Go into elaborate fantasies about one day writing my memoir and then being interviewed by Conan O’Brien.

-Try on outfits that I would possibly wear on Conan.

-Try on all the shoes in my closest and then wonder why I own so many high heels that I never fucking wear because I can’t walk in them anyway and I almost always fall over in them.

-Consider selling my shoes on eBay.

-Re-consider selling my shoes on eBay because what if  I need them for a wedding or something, because seriously, all of my friends are getting fucking married and I don’t want to have to buy a new pair of shoes every time I have to go to some wedding.

-Go back on facebook to see who the fuck else I know is getting married.

-Consider joining eHarmony.

-Realize I’m a disaster of a person and I would be one of those people who gets rejected from the eHarmony site and decide that I can’t handle that kind of electronic rejection.

-Go back on facebook, drink half a bottle of wine, and decide I’m better off than all those fuckers.

-Realize I’m too drunk for the internet.

And finally, friends, I fall asleep around 6:30 in the morning.  Which gives me about 1-2 hours before I must be awake for the day.  Huzzah!

So that’s what I do when I cannot sleep and sleep deprived mania washes over me.  I hope you enjoyed the glimpse into my weird ass life as an insomniac.  Please don’t avoid me forever now.


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