Category Archives: Nerdery

Nerd News and Nonsense!

Joke Anatomy: The Scent of a Vampire

As a new comic, I continue to consider how to put my personality into my humor so others can understand me. I think this is a continuing art practiced by all performers, but I don’t have a big (or even small) audience that follows me. I’ll get lucky to get a nerd or two near my level of geek.

I’ve been working on a deodorant bit that of course skews a bit obscure, because this is the type of knowledge that nerd’s love and that binds us in fellowship like the One Ring.  If you didn’t get that reference, you understand my issue and are a hermit or should be shunned like one. Let’s dissect this literally (not with a scalpel … but … yeah):

Premise: Know what’s ANNOYING? The LIES commercials use to sell CRAP.

A true observation made with a hostile attitude (power words in bold) that most would agree with. The question posed engages the audience’s curiosity. Crap can be interchanged with shit, which is better for the second S word after sell. So far, so standard.

Axe Body Spray doesn’t drive women crazy. That LIE just drives douche bags to buy Axe

This is joke number one of the bit. I consider this a chuckle-worthy appetizer punch line. It may insult Axe-wearing douches in the audience, but they’ll feel better by the end of this. Showing the nerd flag makes the average person feel superior, and it’s about to get geeky.

I like the Axe knock-off BLADE. It’s cheap. It works.It SLAUGHTERS VAMPIRES!

Blade Fan Fiction

Surprise exaggerated connection between the deodorant Blade and the Black half-vampire vampire hunter comic book character played by Wesley Snipes in movie of the late 90’s early 2000s. This get’s a strong to moderate guy laugh but loses most girls. Those ladies that do laugh, I make note of for after the show.

It keeps your armpits from BURNING in sunlight

Tag based on one of Blades special vampire powers that gets a smaller laugh bump. Geek laughter guaranteed though. This is where the laughs begin to die off if I continue connecting to the character. So, I go meta.

Blade does NOT drive women crazy … (beat) … but it DOES give them JUNGLE FEVER.

Another surprise exaggeration connection but to the actor this time. Comic geekery to movie nerdery.  Snipes starred in the controversial Spike Lee movie Jungle Fever 20 years ago where his character gets in an interracial relationship.

Obscure for many audiences, but I LOVE it so much! The Jungle fever idea ties in so well with the Axe fantasy of women going sexually crazy. That I’m a Black comic makes it work on another level. A decent amount of Black people will get it, so maybe this version should go in the arsenal for that audience.

For the mainstream, I may as well keep referring to the Blade character with his $2 billion movie franchise.

Blade does NOT drive women crazy … but it drives the undead BACK to HELL … where they BELONG!

“Where they belong” needs to be strongly emphasized to push the implied opinion that vampires or undead should exist, which is ridiculous but absurdly follows the bit’s attitude.

This is where the bit concludes right now. I’ll audience test the revisions later this week, but you can give me a preview. Comic readers (comic book lovers or comedians that read) let me know your comments and suggestions.

Knights of Badassdom Trailer!

I’ve been so busy these past few days that now I’m finally catching up on all of the San Diego Comic-Con news.  When I got home last night, Christine was telling me about the buzz from the Knights of Badassdom stuff at the Con.  It looks pretty awesome!

It’s a pretty amazing cast.  Ryan Kwanten is perhaps my favorite part of True Blood.  The brilliant Aussie plays the earnest and dimwitted Jason Stackhouse so well.  Peter Dinklage is another one of my favorites.   If you’ve never seen Station Agent, you totally should!  Nerds of course will recognized Summer Glau from a number of genre franchises…for me, Firefly is the biggy!  Danny Pudi is my absolute favorite part of Community…which is a tough thing to pick out because I love absolutely everything about that show!   And look at the supporting cast too.  There are so many people who are awesome when they show up in things like Jimmi Simpson (Party Down),  W. Earl Brown, (There’s Something About Mary), Michael Gladis (Mad Men), and Josh Malina (just about every Aaron Sorkin project).

Wow!  This looks like a fun movie.  I can’t wait to see it.

 

Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows : A Muggle’s Review

I’m not a fanboy of the Harry Potter persuasion because I’m not a young adult that grew up with the books, a female fantasy fan nor a poser trying to lure a fangirl out of her Hogwart’s uniform. I am a certified fantasy nerd and will not reveal any spoilers for those that are too cool to read the novels, but Harry wins in the end as you should expect. Read a book.

I’ve read none of the books, but I have seen all the Potter movies to see what the fuss was about. Overall, they were decent but not moving. Owing to being a series for kids, I forgave them for not having balls – which for most of the characters hadn’t dropped yet. All the while, I’m waiting for Harry to come into his own and stop being a Harry Sue character – constantly protected from heroic sacrifice by magical creatures, competent adults and ugly red-headed sidekicks written as less important.

Run, Ron! RUN!

I watched Deathly Hallows part two directly after watching part one, I’m a vet of the Lord of the Rings Extended version – yes, my life is that empty.

Part one established a dark high stakes tone in the beginning with so many supporting characters deaths, then it winds down to a magical hide and seek scavenger hunt around the world with Hermione doing research. The cutaways to show the effects of the Death Eater take over where good, but too far in between. It has a slightly more dreadful feel than when the Republicans took the House.

Finally, there’s some magical intervention that gets things moving when they can finally start destroying horcruxes (horcruxi? whores’ crotches? Is that where Bellatrix was hiding them? That’s Lastrange.)

We learn what the Deathly Hollows are, but not why they aren’t the “Deadly Hallows”. These are English speakers, right? The story arch peaks with the death of the cutest character to date, more sadness then a tonal shift to “AW SHITTLEBERRIES! Now, it’s personal!”

Yeah ... c'mon ... *wimper*

Part 2 had the much more quicker pace that a finale should. Action, tension, action, tension – you know, like a movie. Voldemort is made gradually weaker with each destroyed horcrux with the backdrop being a magical war I’ve been much anticipating. Harry and Snapes’ relationship is fully revealed, which satisfyingly transforms our view of the headmaster. Our “hero” fated to save everyone is going to actually have to take one for the team, team being the world – about time.

Potter goes forth to die and is merely knocked out by a loophole in wand etiquette. This bothered me. Voldemort’s entire goal is to kill Harry, yet he doesn’t check the apparent body himself? He could feel whenever a horcrux was destroyed, but not this most important one in the series? That’s as dumb as a Jedi Chosen One taking a Sith Lord at his word.

Dumbledore’s ghost tells Potter he can stay in Heaven’s subway or go back and make sure all those deaths for his sake were’nt in vain. What kind of asshole would stay, especially when there’s a Weasley wet for him?

Harry survives. Neville Longbottom comes through amazingly, then Potter shows Voldemort how to kill an enemy.  Flash forward: Harry knocks up Ginny and Ron does the same to Hermione, kids go to Hogwarts, the Circle of Life plays in your heart and the end.

A Real Hero

So, again, somebody else makes it possible for Harry to  succeed. Neville fills his shoes to destroy the last horcrux with Hermione and Ron serving their usual role as bait. As soon as Voldemort is mortal, it’s a done deal? Wasn’t he a badass before all this?  There’s a likely stated reason for this that I missed in previous exposition, the point is I didn’t find Harry’s victory all the heroic, but I guess its par for the course.

These are a good pair of movies, and I’m sure emotional investment in the series will make it awesome, but for me it was worth the price of admission: $5 bootleg.

Dennis’s Guide to Public Restrooms

When you’re on the road all day it’s inevitable – it’s going to come up. You’re going to need to use a public restroom. Quite possibly for #2*. I have spent the last several years at a job that requires me to drive all over Michigan and Ohio, and I have spent plenty of time in public bathrooms. So I give to you Dennis’s guide to public restrooms!

Are you a public restroom novice? Don’t know which ones to use and which to avoid? There is an easy rule of thumb. When stopping for a much-needed potty break, refer to this scale:

#1. – Retail stores – usually the cleanest – most major retailers have a policy about cleaning them at least daily, and the employees themselves have to use them.

#2. – Restaurants – Usually pretty gross. With the constant flow of people in and out, the staff is too busy to keep them clean. Especially at fast food places, those are the worst. Try to avoid.

#3.  – Gas Stations – Almost always Gross. I have seen things in gas station bathrooms that would horrify some.

#4.  – Rest Stops – Last resort. Gross, rarely cleaned, and if rumors are to be believed, havens for illicit behavior (dirty sex stuff).

Retail bathrooms are the best, but some are better than others. My top 4 by chain:

#4. – K-mart – Not terrible, it’ll do in a pinch. The toilet paper at K-mart is pretty weak, though.

#3. – Target – Usually decently clean, but fairly busy bathrooms. Not for the shy.

#2. – Toys R Us – Surprisingly clean and usually empty in my experience.

#1. – Wal-mart – Surprising, right? It seems, though, that they have  a several times a day cleaning policy there. Rarely do I ever see a dirty bathroom at a Wal-mart. Also, they usually have two sets of restrooms in a store, one in front, and another in the back by layaway or site-to store pickup. The one in back is usually less busy, mostly used by employees. Also, if you have no shame, they often have a family bathroom in the back, which affords you a totally private experience.

Of course, your results may vary. Get out there, don’t be afraid to poop in public! Remember, everybody poops!

* (#2 is code for poop.)

Reality(?) Show Rundown

Is it a dirty word? “Reality” show. I hate them. The manufactured, bullshit scripted dating, people in a house who stop being polite, singing contest shows. I hate the spoiled 20-something “Contestants” on them. My wife watches the worst of them, including the Real World and the Real World Road Rules Challenge shows, and I can’t even be in the room with her while she does. They make me sick.

I have discovered that while I hate those type of shows, I can’t get enough of shows about people doing their jobs. It started with Dirty Jobs, on which Mike Rowe is a delight to watch slog through the worst occupations on the planet. It grew from there.

Here I give you, my favorite “Reality” shows about people doing their jobs:

Parking Wars

Parking Wars follows the parking enforcement officers of the cities of Philadelphia and Detroit as they ticket, tow, boot and impound the vehicles of law breaking citizens. The officers are amusing characters, I will watch Ponytail ticket in Detroit, and Garfield boot all over Philly any day. The best parts are, of course, the reactions of the ticketed, booted or impounded car owners. They flip the fuck out, trash their cars trying to escape, and just do not understand the laws of the cities they live in. It’s pretty awesome. Check it out on A&E. Full epsisodes are available  on their website: http://www.aetv.com/parking-wars/

Hardcore Pawn

I just recently discovered this jem of a show, which follows the happenings at American Jewelry and Loan in Detroit, Michigan. Les Gold and his son and daughter run the shop, along with a colorful cast of characters. The family fights constantly, battling for each others’ respect. The best part, is of course, the ridiculous customers who come in trying to sell things, and get upset that they can’t get a thousand dollars for a piece of junk. they flip out even more than the Parking wars people. I guess it helps that the store is at 8 Mile and Greenfield roads, right on the edge of Detroit. This show is the only one of the three I have added a series recording of to my DVR, it’s great. watch it on Tru TV. They also have full episodes online: http://www.trutv.com/shows/hardcore-pawn/index.html

Mounted In Alaska

This is another recent discovery. After seeing it on The Soup, I have become an avid viewer of Mounted in Alaska. This show isn’t as crazy as the others I’ve mentioned, but it’s still a fun watch. The show follows the happenings at Knight’s Taxidermy in Anchorage, Alaska. The owner, Russ Knight and his staff of cantankerous taxidermists goof around and build some pretty neat things out of dead stuff. It’s a funny show to watch on a quiet evening. Check it out on the History Channel. This one only has one full episode available online currently: http://www.history.com/shows/mounted-in-alaska

Happy Birthday, America!

Wait, they're making a new movie? What about me?

Woo! I was going to post the Team America theme song, but decide maybe we should be the only web site that doesn’t do that today. Instead, enjoy the trailer for Captain America, which is going to kick ass all over the place in a couple of weeks.

God damn, i can’t wait for that movie.

E.T: Jedi?

My five-year-old son Alex came home a few days ago insisting that he had learned from his friends that E.T. “Has the Force.” My wife chalked it up to him being cute and a believer in all things Star Wars, but he insisted it was true. Of course, she decided she’d show him by ordering E.T. from Netflix.

My wife and I had not seen E.T. since it was originally released 19 years ago, so the details were fuzzy, but she was sure he was no Jedi. Well, we watched the movie, and Alex is more convinced than ever that E.T. “Has the Force,” but now I agree with him.

In the movie, E.T. displays telekinetic powers, not unlike a Jedi might manipulate his surroundings with the Force.

Additionally, E.T. passes a kid dressed up as Yoda for Halloween, and tries to follow him, saying “Home, home.” It appears he recognizes Yoda, or at least his species.

Then of course, a delegation of E.T’s species is visible in Star Wars episode I.

This may not be a new idea, but I am now convinced that E.T. does exist in the same universe as Star Wars, and that while E.T. may not be  Jedi, he, and maybe his entire species, is at least Force-sensitive.

Alex and his friends were right.

Shut Up, Internet! #3

This is the third in a series of posts on internet trends I think are just plain stupid. Please be advised that my opinions do not necessarily reflect those of Mike Bobbitt, Off the Mike, any other contributors, my mother, or my wife (maybe).

A couple of quickies:

First!

Every comments section, especially if you read Ain’t it Cool News, starts off with the “First!” nimrod, often with several. What are you hoping for? A pat on the back? I have never seen a “First!” post followed by a “Nice One!” post. I’m sure your mom’s very proud of you.

Twitter Hastags on TV

Why do all of my favorite shows now have hashtags watermarked in the corner of the screen? If I’m smart enough to use Twitter, I can probably figure out that if I want to talk about or search for Bones, the hashtag is #Bones.

Once again, the lowest common denominator determines what happens online. Idiots. I’ll be over here listening to comedy podcasts and blogging about why I hate you all.

Official Deadpan Trailer!!!

Here it is…the first official Deadpan trailer!  I’m so geeked!

Phoo Action Pilot

When I’m in hotel rooms I tend to spend a lot of time on Youtube or Netflix.  One of the first things I wrote about on this site was stumbling upon the pilot for the Jamie Hewlett created show “Phoo Action”.  The BBC aired the pilot, but didn’t pick up the show.  That’s unfortunate because what follows is a crazy mix of Tank Girl, Aquabats, Bruce Lee, Dance, and of course a sprinkling of the great Carl Weathers.  Check it out!

Read the rest of this entry

Dexter Teaser!

Has Dexter jumped the shark?  I don’t know.  I still enjoy watching it.  Every season Bob Phillips has me and Christine over for a launch party where he cooks dinner a la Dexter’s breakfast and then we watch the show.

Later we kill someone* who slipped through the fingers of justice.  It’s always a good time.

 

 

*Obviously that was meant for humor and I would never confess murder on my website.  That’s what Twitter is for!

Rock Star of Illustration: Matt Busch!

Matt Busch is cool.  Yeah, lots of people are cool, what makes Matt so special?  I believe that Matt, along with comedians like Patton Oswalt and filmmakers like Kevin Smith brought a certain amount of awesomeness to nerd culture.  They brought nerdiness out of the basement and into the sunlight.

If you’ve been to any comic book convention, you’ve probably seen Matt Busch.  There’s usually a horde of fans around him because he’s personable, charismatic and has time for everyone.

At his heart, this is the coolest thing about Matt Busch, he owns his inner nerd.  On the outside, he’s a cowboy hat wearing tattooed rock star, but on the inside, he’s still that five year old kid seeing Star Wars for the first time in 1977 anxiously waiting for the action figures to come out.

Read the rest of this entry

Shut Up, Internet! #2

This is the second in  a series of posts on internet trends I think are just plain stupid. Please be advised that my opinions do not necessarily reflect those of Mike Bobbitt, Off the Mike, any other contributors, my mother, or my wife (maybe).

Grrrr...

Zombie Apocalypse

I know everyone loves zombies lately. They’re everywhere – movies, comics, books, video games. I get it. People like to be scared, and they make an easy villain – they can be faceless hordes, or they can be your mom, as the story calls for. The problem I have is the numbskulls out there who are seriously preparing for the possibility of zombie apocalypse.

I’ve heard it on podcasts, and all over the web, some idiots feel that a zombie apocalypse is not only possible, but inevitable. Do they go so far as to actually stockpile supplies and weapons? I don’t know, but they read things like the Zombie Survival Guide as if it were a self-help book.

They build things like this:

Click this pic for more on the zombie-proof house.

The fervor has even lead the CDC to actually release a document on their zombie apocalypse strategy, which I’m convinced they only cooked up to shut these ass-hats up. Find it here. (They do make light of it a bit).

To all you zombie fans: enjoy what you love. Watch the Walking Dead. I have my nerdy passions, too,  but I don’t look to they sky expecting that one day the Avengers are going to fly in to town. Please don’t be one of these idiots. Go play Plants Versus Zombies, it’s pretty fun.

If you are one of those that think this is really going to happen, I’ll give you some advice I learned from the gang at Mystery Science Theater 3000, “Repeat to yourself it’s just a show, I should really just relax.” While you’re stockpiling rations, I’ll be on the internet looking for cosplay pics from the next comic con.

Epic Rap Battles of History

Super awesome Youtube silliness that my buddy Nate Carmody turned me onto.  

Here are a few of my favorite Epic Rap Battles of History!

Starting strong with Vader vs. Hitler!

Palin vs. Gaga!

Khan vs. Bunny

 

Noir Wars

I love custom toys.  It’s a hobby I used to do myself before I found comedy.  Before meeting my wife, I’d customize toys and build dioramas in my kitchen.  My roommate assured me that I’d never meet a girl.  He was wrong.  Part of what attracted me to Christine is my dorkiness.

Anyway, there’s this artist name Sillof who does super cool themed Star Wars customs.  He’s done Steampunk Star Wars, Medieval Star Wars and old west Star Wars…just a ton of inspired stuff.  Check out his latest by clicking here.  It’s film noir Star Wars!

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