Category Archives: Nerdery

Nerd News and Nonsense!

Do Apes Lay Eggs? Rise of the Planet of the Apes: Easter Eggs

Here’s my guide to all of the Easter Eggs in Rise of the Planet of the Apes.  By the way…I loved the movie.

Tom Felton’s (Harry Potter) character, not only was the only part of the movie I didn’t like, but he was named Dodge Langdon after the two astronauts who were with Charlston Heston in the original Planet of the Apes.  Dodge Langdon is also the perfect name for a douche bag.

The orangutan is named Maurice after Maurice Evans who played the orangutan Dr. Zaius on the original.  I like to think he was named after the character Maurice from Bewitch also played by Maurice Evans.

Caesar is building a model of the Statue of Liberty which of course figures prominently in the end of the original Planet of the Apes.

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Reality Show Rundown 2: Storage Boogaloo

As I have stated in a previous post, I am totally into reality shows about real people doing their jobs. This summer I have become a bit obsessed with them. The latest two my wife and I are watching revolve around the people who attend storage unit auctions. When storage unit renters default and stop paying their monthly fees, the owners of the facilities will put the contents up for auction to try and recoup their losses. These two shows follow the auctions, auctioneers and the regular buyers of said units.

Storage Hunters

This show mainly follows a couple of jerks and the other jerks they run into. The couple the show revolves around, Brandon and Lori Bernier,  don’t shut up about how much research they do about who owned the units they are bidding on, and constantly get into bickering fights with the other regular bidder on the show. Seriously, check out the hair cut on the lady. What the shit? We watch it to hate them and root for them to overpay for garbage. It gives me great joy every time the open a box to find out it’s empty.  We watch this show if we stumble on to it, but don’t much care if we miss it.

Find Storage Hunters on Tru TV: http://www.trutv.com/shows/storage-hunters/index.html

Storage Wars

Storage wars is a much more entertaining show, which follows a whole cast of characters as they try to outbid each other for storage units all over California. The cast includes Jarrod “The Young Gun” and his wife Brandi, a couple who run a resale shop, and are always trying to one-up each other, Barry “The Collector,” an older hipster who is out looking for valuable collectibles, Dave “The Mogul,”, the owner of a larger consignment business, and Darrell “The Gambler,” a home-based buyer and seller looking for his next big score. The bickering and posturing between the different buyers is the fun on this show, as they each try to outdo the others. There is no real villain on this one, each buyer is likable in their own way, and easy to root for or against. This show has a season pass on my DVR.

Catch Storage Wars on A&E: http://www.aetv.com/storage-wars/

It Runs in the Family…and the Maker Faire

Christine, Bree and me!

On Saturday night Christine and I went and saw our niece Brianna in a production of Night at the Museum at the Clarkston Youth Community Theatre.  It was pretty fantastic and a lot of fun to watch!  I wish I had done some community theatre when I was a kid.  Kids from middle schools and high schools from all over the place were represented.  It was a pretty big production!  Brianna was fantastic…and I’m not just saying that because she’s family.  If she wasn’t, then I wouldn’t be writing about the play at all.  Her acting reminds me a lot of mine when I was a kid.  You could tell that she dug delivering the funny lines in the play.  I was really impressed by her singing voice!  Way to go Bree!

The play itself was neat.  It kind of reminded me of a mid to late 80s horror movie that maybe didn’t get bought by a studio, so the writer included a history lesson in it and rewrote it for children’s theatre!

Sunday took me and Christine to the Maker Faire at the Henry Ford Museum.  Wow!  That was simply amazing.  I didn’t know what it was before I went, so I’ll explain it to you.  The Maker Faire is a collection of creative people doing creative things.
The place was packed.  I don’t think I’ve been to the museum of the village there and have seen that many people…not even during the holidays!  We ended up parking across the street.  Somehow I lucked into a pretty great parking space.  Oh yeah, I know how I did that.  I have great karma because I’m a really good person!

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Shut Up, Internet! #4

This is the fourth in a series of posts on internet trends or memes I think are just plain stupid. Please be advised that my opinions do not necessarily reflect those of Mike Bobbitt, Off the Mike, any other contributors, the Catholic Church, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, the rock band KISS, Batman, my mother, or my wife.

 

Nyan Cat

Seriously, internet, what the fuck?

Shit My Brother Says

Last week I got to be interviewed by Alabama at WJIM in Lansing.  She told me about her Youtube channel where she interviews were brother who still lives in Alabama.  I used to think it was weird growing up in Troy with a brother who had a primer gray Bronco on the driveway and a dune buggy in the garage.  I realize now that I could’ve had it worse!

Joke Anatomy: The Scent of a Vampire

As a new comic, I continue to consider how to put my personality into my humor so others can understand me. I think this is a continuing art practiced by all performers, but I don’t have a big (or even small) audience that follows me. I’ll get lucky to get a nerd or two near my level of geek.

I’ve been working on a deodorant bit that of course skews a bit obscure, because this is the type of knowledge that nerd’s love and that binds us in fellowship like the One Ring.  If you didn’t get that reference, you understand my issue and are a hermit or should be shunned like one. Let’s dissect this literally (not with a scalpel … but … yeah):

Premise: Know what’s ANNOYING? The LIES commercials use to sell CRAP.

A true observation made with a hostile attitude (power words in bold) that most would agree with. The question posed engages the audience’s curiosity. Crap can be interchanged with shit, which is better for the second S word after sell. So far, so standard.

Axe Body Spray doesn’t drive women crazy. That LIE just drives douche bags to buy Axe

This is joke number one of the bit. I consider this a chuckle-worthy appetizer punch line. It may insult Axe-wearing douches in the audience, but they’ll feel better by the end of this. Showing the nerd flag makes the average person feel superior, and it’s about to get geeky.

I like the Axe knock-off BLADE. It’s cheap. It works.It SLAUGHTERS VAMPIRES!

Blade Fan Fiction

Surprise exaggerated connection between the deodorant Blade and the Black half-vampire vampire hunter comic book character played by Wesley Snipes in movie of the late 90′s early 2000s. This get’s a strong to moderate guy laugh but loses most girls. Those ladies that do laugh, I make note of for after the show.

It keeps your armpits from BURNING in sunlight

Tag based on one of Blades special vampire powers that gets a smaller laugh bump. Geek laughter guaranteed though. This is where the laughs begin to die off if I continue connecting to the character. So, I go meta.

Blade does NOT drive women crazy … (beat) … but it DOES give them JUNGLE FEVER.

Another surprise exaggeration connection but to the actor this time. Comic geekery to movie nerdery.  Snipes starred in the controversial Spike Lee movie Jungle Fever 20 years ago where his character gets in an interracial relationship.

Obscure for many audiences, but I LOVE it so much! The Jungle fever idea ties in so well with the Axe fantasy of women going sexually crazy. That I’m a Black comic makes it work on another level. A decent amount of Black people will get it, so maybe this version should go in the arsenal for that audience.

For the mainstream, I may as well keep referring to the Blade character with his $2 billion movie franchise.

Blade does NOT drive women crazy … but it drives the undead BACK to HELL … where they BELONG!

“Where they belong” needs to be strongly emphasized to push the implied opinion that vampires or undead should exist, which is ridiculous but absurdly follows the bit’s attitude.

This is where the bit concludes right now. I’ll audience test the revisions later this week, but you can give me a preview. Comic readers (comic book lovers or comedians that read) let me know your comments and suggestions.

Knights of Badassdom Trailer!

I’ve been so busy these past few days that now I’m finally catching up on all of the San Diego Comic-Con news.  When I got home last night, Christine was telling me about the buzz from the Knights of Badassdom stuff at the Con.  It looks pretty awesome!

It’s a pretty amazing cast.  Ryan Kwanten is perhaps my favorite part of True Blood.  The brilliant Aussie plays the earnest and dimwitted Jason Stackhouse so well.  Peter Dinklage is another one of my favorites.   If you’ve never seen Station Agent, you totally should!  Nerds of course will recognized Summer Glau from a number of genre franchises…for me, Firefly is the biggy!  Danny Pudi is my absolute favorite part of Community…which is a tough thing to pick out because I love absolutely everything about that show!   And look at the supporting cast too.  There are so many people who are awesome when they show up in things like Jimmi Simpson (Party Down),  W. Earl Brown, (There’s Something About Mary), Michael Gladis (Mad Men), and Josh Malina (just about every Aaron Sorkin project).

Wow!  This looks like a fun movie.  I can’t wait to see it.

 

Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows : A Muggle’s Review

I’m not a fanboy of the Harry Potter persuasion because I’m not a young adult that grew up with the books, a female fantasy fan nor a poser trying to lure a fangirl out of her Hogwart’s uniform. I am a certified fantasy nerd and will not reveal any spoilers for those that are too cool to read the novels, but Harry wins in the end as you should expect. Read a book.

I’ve read none of the books, but I have seen all the Potter movies to see what the fuss was about. Overall, they were decent but not moving. Owing to being a series for kids, I forgave them for not having balls – which for most of the characters hadn’t dropped yet. All the while, I’m waiting for Harry to come into his own and stop being a Harry Sue character – constantly protected from heroic sacrifice by magical creatures, competent adults and ugly red-headed sidekicks written as less important.

Run, Ron! RUN!

I watched Deathly Hallows part two directly after watching part one, I’m a vet of the Lord of the Rings Extended version – yes, my life is that empty.

Part one established a dark high stakes tone in the beginning with so many supporting characters deaths, then it winds down to a magical hide and seek scavenger hunt around the world with Hermione doing research. The cutaways to show the effects of the Death Eater take over where good, but too far in between. It has a slightly more dreadful feel than when the Republicans took the House.

Finally, there’s some magical intervention that gets things moving when they can finally start destroying horcruxes (horcruxi? whores’ crotches? Is that where Bellatrix was hiding them? That’s Lastrange.)

We learn what the Deathly Hollows are, but not why they aren’t the “Deadly Hallows”. These are English speakers, right? The story arch peaks with the death of the cutest character to date, more sadness then a tonal shift to “AW SHITTLEBERRIES! Now, it’s personal!”

Yeah ... c'mon ... *wimper*

Part 2 had the much more quicker pace that a finale should. Action, tension, action, tension – you know, like a movie. Voldemort is made gradually weaker with each destroyed horcrux with the backdrop being a magical war I’ve been much anticipating. Harry and Snapes’ relationship is fully revealed, which satisfyingly transforms our view of the headmaster. Our “hero” fated to save everyone is going to actually have to take one for the team, team being the world – about time.

Potter goes forth to die and is merely knocked out by a loophole in wand etiquette. This bothered me. Voldemort’s entire goal is to kill Harry, yet he doesn’t check the apparent body himself? He could feel whenever a horcrux was destroyed, but not this most important one in the series? That’s as dumb as a Jedi Chosen One taking a Sith Lord at his word.

Dumbledore’s ghost tells Potter he can stay in Heaven’s subway or go back and make sure all those deaths for his sake were’nt in vain. What kind of asshole would stay, especially when there’s a Weasley wet for him?

Harry survives. Neville Longbottom comes through amazingly, then Potter shows Voldemort how to kill an enemy.  Flash forward: Harry knocks up Ginny and Ron does the same to Hermione, kids go to Hogwarts, the Circle of Life plays in your heart and the end.

A Real Hero

So, again, somebody else makes it possible for Harry to  succeed. Neville fills his shoes to destroy the last horcrux with Hermione and Ron serving their usual role as bait. As soon as Voldemort is mortal, it’s a done deal? Wasn’t he a badass before all this?  There’s a likely stated reason for this that I missed in previous exposition, the point is I didn’t find Harry’s victory all the heroic, but I guess its par for the course.

These are a good pair of movies, and I’m sure emotional investment in the series will make it awesome, but for me it was worth the price of admission: $5 bootleg.

Dennis’s Guide to Public Restrooms

When you’re on the road all day it’s inevitable – it’s going to come up. You’re going to need to use a public restroom. Quite possibly for #2*. I have spent the last several years at a job that requires me to drive all over Michigan and Ohio, and I have spent plenty of time in public bathrooms. So I give to you Dennis’s guide to public restrooms!

Are you a public restroom novice? Don’t know which ones to use and which to avoid? There is an easy rule of thumb. When stopping for a much-needed potty break, refer to this scale:

#1. – Retail stores – usually the cleanest – most major retailers have a policy about cleaning them at least daily, and the employees themselves have to use them.

#2. – Restaurants – Usually pretty gross. With the constant flow of people in and out, the staff is too busy to keep them clean. Especially at fast food places, those are the worst. Try to avoid.

#3.  - Gas Stations – Almost always Gross. I have seen things in gas station bathrooms that would horrify some.

#4.  - Rest Stops – Last resort. Gross, rarely cleaned, and if rumors are to be believed, havens for illicit behavior (dirty sex stuff).

Retail bathrooms are the best, but some are better than others. My top 4 by chain:

#4. - K-mart - Not terrible, it’ll do in a pinch. The toilet paper at K-mart is pretty weak, though.

#3. – Target – Usually decently clean, but fairly busy bathrooms. Not for the shy.

#2. - Toys R Us – Surprisingly clean and usually empty in my experience.

#1. – Wal-mart – Surprising, right? It seems, though, that they have  a several times a day cleaning policy there. Rarely do I ever see a dirty bathroom at a Wal-mart. Also, they usually have two sets of restrooms in a store, one in front, and another in the back by layaway or site-to store pickup. The one in back is usually less busy, mostly used by employees. Also, if you have no shame, they often have a family bathroom in the back, which affords you a totally private experience.

Of course, your results may vary. Get out there, don’t be afraid to poop in public! Remember, everybody poops!

* (#2 is code for poop.)

Reality(?) Show Rundown

Is it a dirty word? “Reality” show. I hate them. The manufactured, bullshit scripted dating, people in a house who stop being polite, singing contest shows. I hate the spoiled 20-something “Contestants” on them. My wife watches the worst of them, including the Real World and the Real World Road Rules Challenge shows, and I can’t even be in the room with her while she does. They make me sick.

I have discovered that while I hate those type of shows, I can’t get enough of shows about people doing their jobs. It started with Dirty Jobs, on which Mike Rowe is a delight to watch slog through the worst occupations on the planet. It grew from there.

Here I give you, my favorite “Reality” shows about people doing their jobs:

Parking Wars

Parking Wars follows the parking enforcement officers of the cities of Philadelphia and Detroit as they ticket, tow, boot and impound the vehicles of law breaking citizens. The officers are amusing characters, I will watch Ponytail ticket in Detroit, and Garfield boot all over Philly any day. The best parts are, of course, the reactions of the ticketed, booted or impounded car owners. They flip the fuck out, trash their cars trying to escape, and just do not understand the laws of the cities they live in. It’s pretty awesome. Check it out on A&E. Full epsisodes are available  on their website: http://www.aetv.com/parking-wars/

Hardcore Pawn

I just recently discovered this jem of a show, which follows the happenings at American Jewelry and Loan in Detroit, Michigan. Les Gold and his son and daughter run the shop, along with a colorful cast of characters. The family fights constantly, battling for each others’ respect. The best part, is of course, the ridiculous customers who come in trying to sell things, and get upset that they can’t get a thousand dollars for a piece of junk. they flip out even more than the Parking wars people. I guess it helps that the store is at 8 Mile and Greenfield roads, right on the edge of Detroit. This show is the only one of the three I have added a series recording of to my DVR, it’s great. watch it on Tru TV. They also have full episodes online: http://www.trutv.com/shows/hardcore-pawn/index.html

Mounted In Alaska

This is another recent discovery. After seeing it on The Soup, I have become an avid viewer of Mounted in Alaska. This show isn’t as crazy as the others I’ve mentioned, but it’s still a fun watch. The show follows the happenings at Knight’s Taxidermy in Anchorage, Alaska. The owner, Russ Knight and his staff of cantankerous taxidermists goof around and build some pretty neat things out of dead stuff. It’s a funny show to watch on a quiet evening. Check it out on the History Channel. This one only has one full episode available online currently: http://www.history.com/shows/mounted-in-alaska

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