Jeff Scheen is Weird
I wasn’t born a slave. I become one after the great robot wars that started September 1st, 2011. The human race was either obliterated or taken aboard the giant robot space ships and sent to work as gardeners on the third moon of Flab Quarv 7. My former life as a comedian who rocked the socks off of audiences all across the United States and parts of Canada were behind me. Now, I was trimming hedges and pulling weeds for the gluttonous Flab Quarvians.
The days were long. One Flab Quarv 7 day is equal to 3 ½ Earth days. Oh, how I miss the Earth. The nights were longer. Sure, they were only a standard Earth night long, but they felt longer because I was a slave gardener and only had a hoe to fend off the vicious nocturnal Jagerbeasts.
I’ll never forget the night when a little bit of home came rushing back to me in the form of a friendly bearded face. At first I didn’t recognize the bearded man, although his intense glare was eerily familiar. It wasn’t until he took off his fake beard, which he wore at night because Jagerbeasts are afraid of facial hair, that I realized it was my old friend the great Mike O’Keefe! I was excited to see him. Mike was always like a little brother to me. Before we could greet each other a space rake violently crashed into his skull killing him instantly.
Behind him, stood Jeff Scheen. He had blood in his eyes. After he wiped his eyes clean he recognized me and asked where Mike O’Keefe went. Fearful for my life and not wanting to be the bearer of bad news, I changed the subject and asked Jeff to tell me his tale. Still clutching his bloodied space rake, Jeff sat down beside me and we began to talk. The other slaves were fascinated and joined in the questioning. Here is a transcript of Jeff’s final words to our ragtag group.
I remember back on Earth you told me once that you slept in your parents’ room until you were 12. Is that where all your fucked up material came from?
I guess. I destroyed their sex life. Killed it. Because as soon as I was out of there they had a kid. My sister is 12 years younger than me. I was the only child for 12 years.
How did you rebel?
I always wanted a sister.
So you were psyched about it?
Yeah. All my rebelling was when I was 10 or 11.
I ran away about three times. I went into the woods.
So all of your jokes are based at least partially in reality?
A little bit.
Were you really a police cadet?
How many people have you inadvertently killed in your act?
I’ve caused a lot of accidents! Not a lot. Two or three.
You’re a human cartoon character.
That was my nickname in high school. Cartoon and Dinosaur. Jurassic Park is my favorite movie. I like doing the song. I do it every day.
Why do people die in all of your jokes?
I don’t know. I just keep going and going and going. And then it keeps escalating until I think, “Sheesh, you’d die from this.” He’s crashing, there are flames, I think I killed this guy. You just keep going until somebody gets hurt. The ones where people don’t die, I just keep going until it gets ridiculous and peters out at some point. So usually I just end it with death I can stop that joke. If it keeps going then I build them a life.
You are the cruel and vengeful god of the Jeff Scheen universe.
Well, think if I didn’t kill the guy in the car dancing one, he’d make it home safely to his wife and kids and then I’ve gotta do a thing with that. And then they’d die anyway because I’d keep describing their scenario until they died of old age. I have to keep going!
I loved watching you perform before the Earth was destroyed last week. Your act is so unique and you commit to it every time. Have you ever eaten it on stage?
Yeah. At the Holly Hotel I’ve eaten it a few times.
It’s a you’re a young guy thing.
Yeah, it’s the young guy thing. I’m the same age as their kids.
Do you change it for those audiences?
A little bit. I don’t touch gay as much. They tighten right up. If you say “gay” they get mad. They’re fine with swearing, but as soon as you’re a young guy saying something they think it gross. I don’t like gross. I just like weird.
If you wrote a joke about cheerleaders, how would they die?
Falling. They’d stack up on top of each other and create a giant cheerleader like Power Rangers or a Gundam. The cheerleader Gundams fight and eventually the head would get knocked off and that cheerleader would fall off to her death. Then the whole body topples and the other Gundam Cheerleader wins. Or maybe a bowling scenario and the pyramid. Did you guys get my Gundam reference?
I was kind of an anime kid.
What did you want to do when you grew up?
A golfer, followed by a doctor then lawyer.
When did cop fall into that?
Lawyer. I was going to be a cop and they paid for law school.
Being from Holly, do you come from money?
Nope. That’s why they wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor. Where you a rich kid?
Upper middle class.
I was the poor kid. I hung out with all the rich kids so I got to go to the Dunes and their big old dune buggy. Those sweet dunes. I got bumped from the dunes after two trips. They found a new kid and he was the new dunes friend.
I grew up in Troy and my brother had a dune buggy in our garage. I told my brother’s kids your joke about your dad being naked and covered in milk and then telling you and your friend that he was a ghost joke the other day.
That’s one of my least favorite jokes. It’s not weird enough. I don’t think it’s weird enough.
Maybe a real ghost comes out and gets mad at your dad for drinking the milk.
And then the ghost gets mad? That would be way better. I want to be as weird as possible.
What percentage of that joke is true?
He slept naked and he occasionally, more than once, would walk out into the kitchen to get milk when I had a friend over.
That was the only point in me telling that to my niece and nephew that they said, “Gross!” And it was all in the context of my brother and his wife going on and on about how funny they thought you were. Because of the strange circumstances you slept with for your first 12 years of being alive…did it mess you up at all sexually?
Are you naked when you have sex?
Like a Never Nude? I can’t be nude anymore! It didn’t really mess me up that much at all.
Guy who kills people in every single one of his bits!
Aside from that, which you guys see. Other than that, no. I think I’m mostly normal. I was a nudist myself for awhile. You get out of the shower and run around nude. I think the reason it didn’t phase me was because I was a late bloomer. The first time I masturbated was to King of the Hill.
What the fuck!?
It was just on. That’s not what sparked it. I was home alone and thought, “I’m going to give this a shot.” Did you ever have night terrors? Mine were animals. I had a mean parrot. Then there was a black frog that freaked me out.
Zombie Mike O’Keefe rose behind the unaware and smiling Jeff Scheen and ripped his head clean off with his super strength zombie claw. Stunned and terrified, I sat there frozen until Zombie O’Keefe did an adorable little Irish jig. I couldn’t stay mad at Mike even if he had killed one of my favorite comedians and weirdest friends.
The Flab Quarvian Queen came over and saw Jeff’s body that was now oozing massive amounts of blood and his head that was oozing a lesser amount of blood because Jeff’s head was smaller than his body and contained less blood to ooze. She smiled with her three mouths and told us she was glad he was gone because his bedtime stories scared the babies inside her womb-sacks. She granted me one wish. I told her technically she should give Zombie Mike O’Keefe that wish. Just like Human Mike O’Keefe, the zombie version of him was already distracted and had run off. I think he thought he saw slave Bruce Springsteen fertilizing the next Flab Quarvian yard. Anyway, the wish I was granted was that Jeff’s final words could go back in time so everyone could know how amazing he is. You should seriously go out and see him. You don’t have much time. The robots invade later this evening.